2005 Illegal Soapbox Derby

"A proud Bernal Heights neighborhood tradition, the Illegal Soapbox Derby Society enforces only one rule: Every car must have a beer holder."

Virtual Pumpkin Carving

(flash)

Happy Halloween and stuff.

New Weebl & Bob

(flash)

I managed three toots once. I'm just not in Weebl's class.

Bill Simmons' NFL Week 8 Picks

" ... watching football last Sunday with my friends, I brought up the topic, "What touchdown dance would cause the biggest possible fine?"

You would think it would be Adam Carolla's idea for the "Touchdown Poop," which I described two years ago -- basically, the guy scores a touchdown, then squats like he's on the bowl, stays there for a couple of seconds, turns the pages of an imaginary newspaper and finally "pushes" the ball between his legs. We figured that if Randy Moss did that, he would get suspended for a game and fined like $150,000. Plus, Joe Buck might start crying on the air.

But I think this one would be worse: "The Delivery." What if Moss scored a TD and immediately fell to the ground on his back, with his legs up in the air like a pregnant woman, and two receivers stood on either side "cheering him on," and Randy pretended he was pushing, and finally the QB leaned over him and "pulled" the football from Randy's loins, then held the football to his shoulder like a baby for a few seconds before Moss stood up, gingerly grabbed the "baby," cut an imaginary umbilical cord, then spiked the ball as hard as he possibly could? I think that would be like a three-game suspension and a $500,000 fine, right? Plus, Buck would be more distraught than Walter Cronkite after JFK's assassination. Let's hope and pray that Randy reads ESPN.com."

I Collect Santas

"I love Christmas. I used to actually make NEW stockings for all the people who would be here for Christmas EVERY year. I'm not quite that nuts anymore, but I do have quite a Santa collection that threatens to take over the house all through the year.

I try to keep my three large storage tubs of Santa figurines tucked away when it's off-season, but almost without fail I see a Santa I have to have during the Spring, Summer or Winter Vacation (Jan or Feb) and I bring it home. I have a tiny Hawaiian Santa surfing in his board shorts (it's an ornament) and I have a Grateful Red hippy Santa with his beads and sandals that came home with me from Missouri outlet malls last road trip"

Damn. That's a lot of Santas.

South Park Season 9, Episode 9

(.rm file, 36.6mb torrent)

Marjorine

The 4th grade girls are having a sleepover. It's imperative that the boys find out what goes on behind those closed doors. Butters is picked to be the boy who must fake his death, become a girl and infiltrate this age-old feminine tradition.

Lexington's Biblical Miniature Golf

"To the average secular-minded Joe, the notion of a biblical-themed miniature golf course, each hole illustrating such things as Noah's Ark, the plagues of Egypt, Daniel and the lion's den, and the River that turns to Blood, and with little plaques giving bible lessons along the way, sounds pretty funny. And it is.

But believe it or not, this is hands-down the best miniature golf course we've ever played. The course, located next door to the Lexington Ice & Recreation Center on Eureka Springs Drive, is a must-see for mini-golf enthusiasts.

There are 18 holes inspired by the Old Testament, 18 based on the New Testament and 18 based on biblical miracles. There used to be a tape loop of a woman singing "He's Alive!" as you tee off in Christ's Tomb, but now they just pipe in Christian rock music. "

Virtual Rubix Cube

(flash)

The only way I've been able to solve a Rubix Cube is to take it apart, then put it back together again in the right order. That might be a little hard to do with this, still fun though.

Fainting Goats

(embedded video)

"These are one of the few goats that are indigenous to the U.S. There are two strains of this animal. Most of those found in Tennessee and the eastern U.S. are smaller. When the goat is being fed or becomes startled its muscules become stiff allowing the goat to fall on the ground in a fainting position."

This is a serious news story and is in no way funny.

Best Christmas CD Ever

"Regis Philbin is out with a Christmas C-D featuring duets with his wife Joy and Donald Trump.

Trump substitutes for Santa on Philbin's version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He speaks his lines. Trump tells Rudolph that his qualifications are just right to guide my sleigh tonight."

The perfect gift for a close friend or family member.

Get Your War On Update

"So that's what an exploding head sounds like."

New Strong Bad E-mail

(flash)

Everyone should have their own The Denzel.

Fox News: The Criminalization of the Criminalization of Politics

(.wmv file, 4.2mb download)

Bill Maher introduces a montage of the usual Fox News propaganda. You may not know that we get Fox News on satellite here in the UK, but over here it's seen as a comedy channel.

The Metro Touched by His Noodly Appendage

How much more proof do you need? Evolution and Intelligent Design just can't stand up next to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Alas, Poor Baby Chicken

"stop grieving, it's only a chicken."

It's only Monday and we already have the quote of the week.

Can you trust Wikipedia?

"The founder of the online encyclopedia written and edited by its users has admitted some of its entries are 'a horrific embarrassment'. What did our panel of experts think of the entries for their fields?"

The results are pretty much as you'd expect, patchy. Personally I always use Uncyclopedia. Did you know I started the Al Gore invention list? I may of mentioned this once or twice before....

Bill Simmons NFL Week 7 Picks

"One of the highlights of the TV season: ABC miking Peyton Manning last Monday. My favorite part was when he saw Dominique Rhodes after the fumbled kickoff, and he knew he had to say something because he was miked, so he ended up muttering in a robotic voice, "Hey, shake it off, you need to shake it off" as Rhodes stood there with a "What's going on, this guy hasn't talked to me in three years?" look on his face. That killed me. My second favorite part was when Manning got into the argument with the O-line coach and Tarik Glenn, and things became so heated that ABC decided they couldn't show the video, then all tapes were subsequently destroyed by NFL Films. Wouldn't want anything to get in the way of the "Manning vs. Manning" Super Bowl in four months, you know?

(Speaking of the Colts, they seem very unhappy to me for a team that's 7-0. Now here's the team that needed a sex cruise.)"

The World's Finest Love Hamster

"Realistic, life­sized and beautiful. Elastic flesh, luxurious fur, a cybernetic infrastructure and sexy features like no other buggering hamster in the world. If you've had wet dreams over a hamster like this, you'll know exactly what we're on about. Most buggering hamsters are made of cheap bits of sackcloth. They look pathetic and laughable – not buggerable. Don't expect to see any of those goofy sandbags on this site. RealHamster is the REAL DEAL."

Modest Christian Clothing

"Lydia of Purple thanks you for visiting our modest ladies custom sewing site.

Let us know of any way we can serve you or the homeschooling community better. With products like modest Christian dresses, majestic large plus sizes, modest swimwear, slips, wedding / bridal attire, jumpers, blouses, nightgowns, bloomers and blouse-slips custom fitting from home school big full figure babe to Great Grand mother."

Original Pussy Beer

"Sumerian women were both the first brewers and the first gods of beer. By adding a trace amount of my vaginal yeast to regular brewer's yeast, my 'Original Pussy Beer' pays homage to beer's ancient creators."

Trying very hard not to make a joke about how this beer has a good head. I failed =(

Tom DeLay Mug Shot

Smile motherfucker.

Job Vacancy of the Week

"Playboy TV is looking for a person experienced in viewing programmes for television broadcast for compliance with Ofcom regulations, ideally with an understanding of the rules applied to late-night erotica.

The ideal candidate will be available immediately to work for about one month, although this may be extended.

Applicants will need to be comfortable watching material aimed at an adult audience.

Please send your CV, availability and current salary details (or expectations) to Richard Ings, Head of Programming, Playboy TV. Please do not submit CVs if you do not have relevant experience."

Needless to say my CV is already on it's way. With all the internet porn I've consumed over the years I'm probably the most qualified person on the planet.

The Spazz Wheelchair

Not probably the best name ever picked for a wheelchair and I don't think that blonde in the PVC dress looks that handicapped to me. I'd have to check her out closer first to be completely sure.

The 100 Oldest Domain Names

And not a porn site among them. The internet must of been really boring in 1986. I'm glad my 286 green-screen double-floppy wasn't hooked up.

Spoil Everything

The Wiki stite that has spoilers for anything you can think of; films, books, comics, TV shows, celebrity marriages. It's all here.

Republican Values

"Volunteers are needed to be in the "Republican Values" TV show featuring President Bush and the wit & wisdom of Sean Hannity. The 30-minute national TV program is to be broadcast on Fox and CNBC and highlights the core values of the Republican Party by showcasing the major accomplishments of President Bush's first term in office."

30 minutes might be a stretch.

Ali G. Interviews Steve Nash

(streaming video)

"No Disrespect, but you is Canadian so you don't even speak English so shut up. I can't even understand what you're saying, you're speaking in Canada"

This Non-Contiguous 9 Second Clip is our Non-Contiguous 9 Second Clip

Use the following words in a sentence:

Kettle. Black. Pot. Calling. JibJab. The.

Can't wait for the JibJab parody of the JibJab parody video.

Destroy Hot Action

It's not porn, it's art. No, really.

The Internet Furry Proximity Locator

"The Internet Furry Proximity Locator, like many things was born in frustration. After having been furry for two years, and only knowing a handfull of local furries I had a desire to find more. The final push towards writing the IFPL came when I met BJ, a fur who had gone to the same school I had, and lived less than a mile and a half from my house. "

Cat Fight

(embedded video)

I don't know what kind of mystic feline martial arts the little cat is trying to pull off, but it's not working.

Bring Back Jake Plummer's Mustache

"In this topsy-turvy world there are few things all mankind can agree on. The sun is good, killing is bad and Jake Plummer has the most amazing mustache in the history of bewhiskered upper-lips. But, sadly, Plummer shaved said mustache late last week in a move that not only betrays all fashion sense, but also the entire United States of America.

Jake Plummer, please bring the mustache back. We, your countrymen and women, need it. Two hurricanes, rising gas prices and political divisiveness have torn our country apart. With your mustache, maybe we can begin the long process of healing. Without it, Jake, we as a society are doomed.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned "

Bill Simmons' NFL Week 6 Picks

"RAIDERS (+2) over Chargers
Only one thing could make Minnesota's week worse: Randy Moss springing for 195 yards and three TDs in this game, then simulating sex toys and yacht captain movements for his touchdown dances.

(By the way, I got to the bottom of this "LT" thing with Tomlinson -- apparently, Tomlinson asked Lawrence Taylor for permission to use the nickname and Taylor agreed. Well, you know what? I don't care. If LeBron James' name was Mebron, we wouldn't call him MJ, right? So I'm not calling Tomlinson LT. From now on, for the purposes of this column, we're calling him "LDT." And that's that.)"

Big Box Mart

(embedded video)

The guys from JibJab are back with another little ditty. I have no idea who they're talking about in this one though.

Forget Me-Not Panties

"Ever worry about your wife cheating?

Want to know where your daughter is late at night?

Need to know when your girlfriend's temperature is rising?

This amazing device will answer all of your questions! These panties can give you her location, and even her temperature and heart rate, and she will never even know it's there! Unlike the cumbersome and uncomfortable chastity belts of the past, these panties are 100% cotton, and use cutting-edge technology to help you protect what matters most. "

Advice Bunny

"Your question was:

I have a lump on my left testicle. Should I be worried?

The Advice Bunny's response is:

Yeah. Duh."

I now live my life by what the advice bunny tells me, although I generally double check with the advice duck.

TV Themes

A site with a massive list of old and new, mostly British, TV theme songs. I can't tell you the last time I heard the theme song to Chorlton and the Wheelies. I might have to start using it as my ringtone.

The Hoff Worship Page

The blog with more Hoff per click than any other blog.

A Plea for Geek Porn

"You can have the whole cheerleading squad,
I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:
Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.
Oh yes.
First I want to copy her Trig homework,
and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
for hours and hours
until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.
Suma cum laude, baby!
That is what I call erotic.

But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?
No.
Which is why I'm going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.
I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.
And the women in my porno movies will be the kind
that drive nerds like me mad with desire."

Testify brother.

These People Should Never of Gotten Married

"Ever since the famed Seymour-Buttz wedding of 1965, I have been saving all my favourite wedding announcments and pinning them up on my sumo-sized fridge. Thanks to the advent of the computer I now share them with you."

Best Cheap-Shot Ever

(.wmv file, 3.9mb)

A video showing Virginia tackle Brad Butler trying to snap Boston end Mathias Kiwanuka's leg in two. He must of watched the North Dallas Forty before the game started.

Crony Jobs

NAME: Harriet Miers
POSITION: Associate Justice, US Supreme Court
SALARY: $202,900/year (pending)
TESTIMONIAL: "Not only did CronyJobs set me up with a faboo White House staff position, now I'm getting a life-long appointment to try out this 'Judge' stuff. I can hardly wait to meet that sexpot Ruth Bader Ginsberg!"

Zero Gee Water Balloons

If NASA did more experiments like this instead of messing about with ant farms then maybe they wouldn't have so much finance problems. I'd throw them a few pennies for starters.

Thog's Masterclass

"Palmer's screams became fainter as the slugs ate their way into him, a number burrowing up through his torn genitals, using his anus as a means of access in their search for the softer, more succulent parts of his body."
-- Shaun Hutson, Slugs

Some of the worst or, depending on your opinion, the best science fiction lines ever put down on paper.

Bee Dogs

Beedogs.com is the premier online repository for pictures of dogs in bee costumes.

New Teen Girl Squad

(flash)

This crappy blog full of crappy links is no place for a mighty warrior.

Cousin Couples

"This interactive site is for those romantically involved with their cousin. This site is dedicated to providing support and factual information, as well as to foster friendships from around the world. Kissing cousins now have a free site, where they may come to exchange information and advice."

War is Hell - For Smurfs

(.mov file, 534k download)

This time George W. Bush has gone too far. I refuse to believe that Papa Smurf was hiding WMD's.

New Orleans Cops Beating up a 64yo Man

(.wmv file, 1.2mb download)

"NEW ORLEANS - Two New Orleans police officers repeatedly punched a 64-year-old man accused of public intoxication, and another city officer assaulted an Associated Press Television News producer as a cameraman taped the confrontations.

There will be a criminal investigation, and the three officers were to be suspended, arrested and charged with simple battery Sunday, Capt. Marlon Defillo said."

Yahoo News

Best Spam Blog Ever

You've all seen them. Blogs that are nothing more than link farms to rise up Google's page ranking. Usually these blogs are about gambling, financial services, diets or medication.

But not this one. Somewhere out in this world is somebody who seriously wants to skew Google's results for concrete foundation repair.

I say we help them. Add the free concrete foundation repair articles blog to your blog roll. Yes, that's free concrete foundation repair articles, the blog which is all about free concrete foundation repair articles. If you're interested in free concrete foundation repair articles then the free concrete foundation repair articles blog is the blog for you.

Steven Seagal's Energy Drink

The illustration of the Stevester on the can puts me in mind of the Kirk/Spock photo that I put up for the latest SSW caption contest, but that's probably just my teenage infatuation with Kelly LeBrock rearing it's ugly head again. What did she ever see in him? Must of been the energy drink.


*** MAJOR SEAGAL UPDATE ***

I can't believe I missed this out the first time round, but there's also a cherry flavour:





*** SECOND MAJOR SEAGAL UPDATE ***

Just when you think it can't get any better I happen to find the official press release on the launch of this life changing product:


"Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink is the only gourmet energy drink made with 100% pure natural cane juice and all the properties it possesses.

(PRWEB) September 17, 2005 -- We are great admirers of Steven Seagal, the man and his life's accomplishments, so it gives us enormous pleasure to be a part of this endeavor - Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink.

A great team is behind SUKKAR® and we all wish Steven Seagal, Mitch Gould, Scott Macaluso and Steven Seagal Enterprises well.

It has been a labour of love and many years of hard work and dedication to bring to the world our SUKKAR® sugar cane juice concentrate. Dr. Bernardo Quintero the president of Ingenio Riopaila S.A. and Central Castilla S.A. is a leader in the sugar cane industry and embraced this cutting edge venture, the first of its kind. Dr. Alberto Potes who is the manager of Ingenio Riopaila and his superb staff put their hearts and expertise into making it a reality and thousands of workers cut and pick up and clean each stalk of cane ever so carefully by hand.

Mr. John Sbordone introduced SUKKAR® in North America. He knows this product well and champions it. A special note of thanks to him for his beautiful contribution of our product to the Katrina Effort and all those who are suffering.

Last but not least to my husband, Jorge Enrique Gonzalez, who said it could be done and has given so many years of his life to bringing it all together. We have made many friends along the way and it has been a road well traveled.

Congratulations, Steven Seagal, on a superb product, and may everyone around the world delight in it.

Mariana A. Gonzalez
C.I. Sukkar S.A."


So it turns out that Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink is produced by SLAVE LABOUR!

If the buddhists find out they will probably ask him to hand back his ponytail. If that's not enough for you, you can also download it as a PDF file.

The Other Kate Moss Cocaine Video

(embedded video)

It's worse than we thought.

Bill Simmons' NFL Week 5 Picks

"Colts (-15) over DARTMOUTH
Tough tune-up for the Colts before next week's showdown against Penn."

Ninja Cow

(embedded video)

The first rule of ninja cow fight club is MOO.

If you don't browse with a popup blocker I'd give this link a miss, the site this is hosted on is full of them.

Jimmy Kimmel Live's Paternity Tests

(embedded video)

You are NOT the father!

I think everyone could of guessed the result of the last one though.

Squirrel Crack Whores

"I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash.

An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds.

It looked like it knew what it was looking for.

It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging.

It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."

Infrared Camera Image Gallery

A lot of very interesting pics hosted on this site. Would make some good wallpaper fodder if the images were larger.

Black People Love us!

"We are well-liked by Black people so we're psyched (since lots of Black people don't like lots of White people)!! We thought it'd be cool to honor our exceptional status with a ROCKIN' domain name and a killer website!!"

Buy Mariella Frostrup's Flat

Maybe not quite as glamorous as Brad and Jen's house on the market, but British TV presenter and piss-poor journalist Mariella Frostrup is also selling some property this week. Take a peek.

I would of put money down that there would of been at least one room in there dedicated to just leather pants, but I can't see it. Maybe the estate agents decided not to show it.

Kneel Before Zod in 2008

"When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn't know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression. Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.

-- General Zod, Your Future President and Eternal Ruler"

Top Ten Referrers

Apart from the SSW sites I haven't put any links on the sidebar as I thought it was a pretty stupid thing to do on a blog whose whole content is links (if you want to know what my favourite and most visited sites are then there's a fairly comprehensive list on the main SSW blog).

However from today I've decided to display the top ten referrers as a thank you to the sites who send traffic our way. If you want to get listed then add a link to us on your blog and wait. It won't take too long, the last two sites on the list only have two hits to us and they got on there.

So add a link, wait to get onto the referrers list and watch the traffic pile up. You could see up to three or four unique hits EVERY DAY!!!11ONE.

Harriet Mier's Judicial Outlook and Philosophy

(.wmv file, 10.7mb download)

This Sunday in the UK Channel 4 is lauching a new TV station on cable called More4. One of it's flagship programmes will be the Daily Show, which will be broadcast the evening after it's been on in the US and I can't wait.

No more relying on downloading clips like this or watching the crappy Daily Show Global Edition on CNN.

Deadspin's NLDS Game 1 Diary

"BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: Hey, we think we saw Johnny Estrada playing at the Copa last month; pick up a dictionary and look up 'class,' you’ll see a picture of Johnny, baby!

Pettitte zips through 1-2-3. As opposed to 3-2-1 Contact. That’s what we at Deadspin like to call a 'pop culture reference.'"

I think I've finally found a way to watch baseball without being bored shitless.

Beer Looter Dude

A website dedicated to the guy from the most famous photo to come out of New Orleans after the hurricane that wasn't a PhotoShop mash of George W. Bush fishing or a crocodile swimming down Bourbon Street.

WotW in 30 Seconds, Re-enacted by Bunnies

(flash)

The bunnies are back, this time taking on the H.G. Wells classic. Being old school type rabbits this is their take on the 1953 orignal, not the Spielberg remake.

BadTattoos.com

"All tattoos on this site are real.The artist names have been withheld to protect there identities, and keep their skeletons hidden. This site is intended to educate, poke fun at, and pay homage to the "bad tattoo". Everyone out there has at least one or knows someone with one, so why not show off that bad tattoo. "

My favourite:

Gay Murdering Midget Seeks Same

"I like intimate, peaceful, and fun-loving type personalities in an individual. My dominate core personality motive is intimacy. You would find me compassionate, sincere, loyal, thoughtful, commitment capable, dedicated, dependable, and emotionally stable. Im good at analysis, too. I like peaceful and fun-loving type individuals for balance. I offer as natural gifts, quality, and a service orientation. I am a people lover at heart."

...and if you fuck with me I will cut out your liver and make you eat it.

Harriet Mier's Blog!!!

"Good morning blog-o-nauts!! Well, I hope its a good morning for you... because over here in the southwest corner of the West Wing, things aren't going so hot. Let me give youa tip: if your ever nominated to the supreme Court,, you don't have to accept every free drink on your first night... I think I need one of those "morning-after" pills!

Oh well... Im still the nominee and today is the SECOND DAY of the REST OF MY LIFE!! Go Supremes!!!

XOXOX

HARRIET

UPDATE: OMG not that kind of morning-after pill... I meant like a Tylenol. Okay. I'm going to shut up now. [BLUSHING!!]"

Men of the Internet

As if you needed it here's another reason to never put a photo of yourself online.

Made-up words in The Simpsons

Mmmmmm, Cromulents.

What Country Should the USA Invade After Iraq?

(embedded video, some NSFW ads)

If I was in Australia right now I'd be very very worried.

The Khmer Rouge Cafe

"A new Cambodian cafe is offering diners a slice of life under the Khmer Rouge, with a menu featuring rice-water and leaves, and waitresses dressed in the black fatigues worn by Pol Pot's ultra-Maoist guerrillas. Newly opened across the road from Phnom Penh's notorious Tuol Sleng "S-21" Khmer Rouge interrogation and torture center, the cafe is meant to remind Cambodians of the 1975-1979 genocide in which an estimated 1.7 million people died."

I wonder if Pol Pottage is on the menu? (sorry).

EUROBAD '74

An exhibition of Europe's worst interiors of 1974. There's a good chance that my parents 1970's Inverness council house is in there somewhere.

The World's Loudest Car Horn

(embedded video)

These guys attach a ferry horn to their car then do a little drive-by honking.

New Strong Bad E-mail

(flash)

When you're tired of Rotten Egglund you're tired of life.

Buy Brad and Jen's House

(flash)

With Brad taking Angelina up the wrong-un while Jennifer is playing with Vince's Dodgeballs it looks like the dream is over. Never mind, why not buy their house? Or at the very least have a look around.

40 Things That Only Happen in Movies

"29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one (it's called Stallone's Law)."