Marcus Allen's Active Evening

"Today’s final athlete run-in story is amazing for three main reasons:

1. It is from “a former NFL employee.”
2. It’s about Marcus Allen, who’s always entertaining.
3. The raw amount of name dropping present here is staggering and epic. We, of course, love that."

Sounds like a normal evening for me here at SSW Towers.

WalMart Dance Party

(embedded video)

"What happens when you take a gang of 25 punks, sceneagers and freaks to Wal-Mart for a dance party on the busiest shopping weekend of the year?"

Shockey Shocked

An animated .gif of Jeremy Shockey unwinding like a clockwork toy as he realises the last second Jay Feely winning field goal was actually missed. And so were the next two as Seattle beat the Giants 24-21 in OT.

Poor Jeremy.

Roller Derby Injuries

No wonder that mouse died, it had no chance.

Robert Plant's Face

"Welcome to the Robert Plant's face blog! Here you may post any comments on Robert Plant. Do you think he is too old to rock? Does his face still look presentable?"

Coming Soon ... The Mick Jagger Turkey Neck Blog.

Don't Bomb Us

A Blog set up by Al Jazeera staff members after the report that Bush wanted to bomb them.

I'd love to talk more about this, but with the line the British government are taking over this leaked memo I'll probably end up getting my first ever D-Notice.

eBay Tat of the Day

$10,000? Ten thousand dollars for a cock shaped rock?

IVR Cheat Sheet

Someone seriously needs to make one of these for British companies, specially for British Gas.

Michael "Brownie" Brown Makes a Comeback

"DENVER - Former FEMA Director Michael Brown, heavily criticized for his agency's slow response to Hurricane Katrina, is starting a disaster preparedness consulting firm to help clients avoid the sort of errors that cost him his job.

'If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses — because that goes straight to the bottom line — then I hope I can help the country in some way," Brown told the Rocky Mountain News for its Thursday editions'

I'd just like to point out that this is a real news story and not something from The Onion.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on Global Warming

(.mov file, 3.6mb download)

Triumph speaks to a few Republicans who are going to destroy the universe, then blame it on Saddam.

Banned XBox 360 Commercial

(embedded video, possible nfsw ads)

You'd have to be seriously over-sensitive to want to ban this, I quite enjoyed it. Maybe the real reason it was banned is that it's impossible for any XBox 360 game to run for 90 seconds without crashing.

A heads up for firefox users. I couldn't get the video to run in ff and had to open the page in IE.

Bill Simmons' NFL Week 12 Picks

"Feud of the week: Phil Simms screaming about Steve Young saying Chris Simms wasn't tough enough because he grew up in a "laissez faire atmosphere." Meanwhile, Steve Young came from the mean streets of Greenwich, Connecticut. You'd hate to see this thing end with somebody getting strangled to death by a Burberry's scarf."

eBay Tat of the Day

The person bidding on this is either very stupid or really wants to buy an empty box.

YourMom!

"Your mom is so ugly, her ugliness intensity is equal to 10^5 units of ugly at a distance of 1 meter and the threshhold of ugliness for the average human is 10^-12 uglies/m^2"

The ulitmate resource for "Your Mom" jokes. Read it now before Yahoo sues.

X-Ray of a Sword Swallower

"Sam Clark swallows swords in a fascinating show of physical dexterity. But the 20-year-old contortionist has wearied of people who suspect he uses a trick sword in the act ... so the talented showman from Launceston walked into the Royal Hobart Hospital in Tasmania last week and had a series of X-rays taken."

Dictionary of Comicbook Words

"KAA-POW see KAPOW

KAA-RUUNNCH [The Twisted Tantrum of the Purple Snit #1, 1980] A loud crunching sound

KAA-WHUUMPH [The Twisted Tantrum of the Purple Snit #1, 1980] The sound of a body hitting the ground

KA-BAM [The Adventures of Bayou Billy #4, 1990] The sound of a gunshot

KABASH [The Twisted Tantrum of the Purple Snit #1, 1980] A hitting sound

KABLOOM [Captain Thunder and Blue Bolt #1] An explosive sound made when an electric bolt strikes

KA-BOOM [The Incredible Hulk vol.1 #229, 1978] The sound of an explosion: also KA-BOOOOM [G.I.Joe vol.1 #61, 1987] also KA-BOOOMM also KA-BOOOMMMM [Captain Atom #7] The sound of an explosion "

Which Is The Best Portis Alter Ego?

Personally I'd go with " Sheriff Gonna Getcha ", but I'm surprised Deadspin didn't add Redskin's head coach Joe Gibbs own character - "The reincarnation of John Riggins" - to their list.

Joe Theisman Breaking His Leg.

(embedded video)

"Joe Theisman Breaking His Leg" might be the biggest understatement in world sports. Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the Monday Night Football game that saw the end of Theisman career and very nearly the end of Theisman's right leg after a sack from Lawrence Taylor.

It's a video that every football fan needs to see. Once. Then never watch it again. Also, don't watch it if you've eaten in the last three hours.

Chan Ho Park in Compromising Positions

I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for a site to keep me up to date with MLB pitcher Chan Ho Park and his streching routine.

Bill Simmons' NFL Playoffs Outlook

"And since I have nothing else to add before we get to the favorites, here are some of my favorite football e-mails from the past two weeks:

From Jason M. in Miami: Concussions have cut short the careers of many professional athletes in recent years: Troy Aikman. Eric Lindros. And likely now Wayne Chrebet. So, here's my question: Do you think that's what cut short the career of B.A. Baracus and essentially brought down the entire "A-Team?" Think about it. Every time they flew somewhere, they had to knock him out to get him on the plane/helicopter. Well, after a while, you know B.A. must have been suffering some sort of postconcussion stress syndrome. I bet all those blows to his mohawked coconut pushed him and The A-Team into early retirement. Your thoughts?"

South Park Season 9, Episode 12

(.rm file, 36.5mb torrent)

Trapped in the Closet

While Stan looks to a new religion for answers, the church leaders recognize Stan as the second coming. Some A-List Hollywood celebrities join the faithful who have set up camp right in front of Stan’s house.

This is the funniest South Park episode I've watched in a while. Worth seeing for the closing credits alone.

From MrTwig.net

WIZARD OF OZ and the ILLUMINATI MIND CONTROL

"The history behind the Wizard of Oz programming is interesting. It suggests that the Wizard of Oz has had an important part in the occult world all along. One of the secrets of the Mystery Religions, especially the Egyptian Isis mystery religion was the ability to use drugs and torture to create multiple personalities. The word Oz is known to have been used by its author as an abbreviation for Osirus."

eBay Tat of the Day

GOD WARRIOR!

Dance of the Seven Post-It Notes

(.wmv file, 941k download)

I don't want to know what this guy did for his wife to make him do this, but it must of been pretty bad.

First Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards

Isn't that Rolf from the muppets?

Will Fix Computers For Sexual Favors

"Do you have a set, um, pay scale?

No, I leave it up to their discretion. One girl didn't want to have intercourse, so she offered me a massage and then finished me off with a hand job. It's basically all about the time I spend: If I'm working for one or two hours, I'd like a blow job. An orgasm for every two hours of service is pretty fair. If it's something simple that I can fix in 15 minutes, I'd like to get a foot massage."

I will set up your home cinema system for a dirty sanchez. My e-mail address is above, please add "I will set up your home cinema system for a dirty sanchez" to the subject line.

Beer for Dogs

"Yes, it's beer! But, it's for dogs.

Non-alcoholic and non-carbonated, our Happy Tail Ale is the ultimate liquid refreshment for your best friend. Our brew is made with choice malted barley and filtered water, featuring all-natural beef flavorings. Plus, it's fortified with Glucosamine and Vitamin E!"

Non-alcoholic? Dogs are pussies.

Covering Teen Wolf: One Coach's Guide

"Teen Wolf gets scrappy once you put the pressure on, and he's a great ball handler with a low-to-the-ground style reminiscent of Pistol Pete or a young Isiah Thomas. Add to his skill and quickness those gigantic, hirsute paws, and you're up against one hell of a dribbler. We've tried giving Teen Wolf a step, respecting his speed, but we've found that if our guys slack off him, he'll generally hit the open jumper—or else take off from wherever he's standing on the court, sail over everyone's heads, and finish with one of those dunks where he ends up sitting on the top of the backboard, howling, feet dangling down through the hoop."

Bad News for Tinfoil Hat Wearers

It's a conspiracy I tells ya.

New Strong Bad E-mail

(flash)

Indroducing the Strongbadia Space Program.

New Weebl and Bob

(flash)

Introducing Bob, lord of the dark things.

Hetracil

"HETRACIL is the most widely prescribed anti-effeminate medication in the Untied States, helping 16 million Americans who suffer from Behavioural Effeminism and Male Homosexuality Disorder."

South Park Season 9, Episode 11

(.rm file, 36.7mb torrent)

Ginger Kids

In his classroom presentation, Cartman points to people with red hair, light skin and freckles as an inferior race. Cartman thinks differently when, one morning, he himself wakes up with an advanced case of Gingervitus! Unable to endure being ostracized for his looks, he rallies all Ginger Kids everywhere to fight discrimination.

From MrTwig.net

New Maddox Rant

"To be fair, having a rock that sort of looks like a face as your state symbol is like diving into a tub full of tits when compared to Idaho, where there's so little going on that they proudly proclaim how famous their potatoes are on their license plates. Are you kidding me? Celebrities are famous. Landmarks are famous. The starchy, underground stems of plants that are used for deep frying side dishes are not. Wow, your state vegetable is a tuber. SNORE."

100 Greatest Internet Moments

A fairly good list, although I can't see any mention of ytmnd.com in there, which woild make a top 5 list, never mind a top 100.

And no SSW. what the fuck? =(

The Leeroy Jenkins Warcraft Soundboard

(flash)

OK, so I'm about 6 months late with this soundboard, but being an online gamer myself I couldn't resist putting a link up to it.

The original Leeroy video clip will be on linkorama's favourite posts list until the end of time, but you can now enjoy all the best bits whenever you like.

I'm 32.333333333333333% sure that this is the best soundboard ever.

Samkon Gado's MySpace Profile

Since the bus that was taking all of the Green Bay Packer's running backs back from practice was driven over a cliff or something right now they're down to 10th stringer Samkon Gado. Find out everything you need to know about this guy at his MySpace profile.

He's good, but he's no hamper shitter.

No Links for a Few Days

I'm just about to head off for a long weekend so I won't be adding any links until Tuesday next week.

South Park Season 9, Episode 10

(.rm file, 36.6mb torrent)

Follow That Egg

Mrs. Garrison realizes he still has feelings for Mr. Slave. But, Mr. Slave has moved on. He plans to marry his new love as soon as the Governor signs the same-sex marriage bill. Mrs. Garrison leads the charge against gay marriage.

From MrTwig.net

World Beard and Moustache Championships

I can't believe the judges overlooked Jake Plummer.

The Golden Gate Bridge Suicide Chart

"The first suicide occurred 10 weeks after the bridge opened in 1937. Over the years there have been seven attempts to build a bridge barrier. While the design and cost have been debated, the deaths have continued. At least 1,218 suicides have been reported, according to Chronicle research."

Uni Watch NBA Preview

"The award for the year's subtlest uni change goes to the Kings. Ever notice that their little rear-neckline crown logo was ever so slightly crooked? Now it's perfectly horizontal. Uni Watch can only wonder how many high-level meetings and conference calls were required for that one. Unfortunately, the Kings also get credit for the year's least subtle change, thanks to their putrid new alternate unis."

Vikings Sex Cruise Minnesota Retro Vintage T-shirt

"Just in.. Brand new cruise company t-shirts. "VIKING Coochie Cruises". They're booked up for the next 8 months so be patient if you need to make a reservation. This sweet shirt has the vintage distressed print. BRAND NEW NEVER WORN!!

This shirt is a high quality silk screened t-shirt. It's NOT a cheap heat transfer that will crack after a few washes. Beware of heat transfers. It's a super soft 50/50 blend. Brand NEW never worn. "