Bill Simmons' NFL Week 17 Picks

"NINERS (+1.5) over Texans

Ladies and gentlemen, at long last, the Reggie Bush Bowl! Sure, it's a little tainted because the Saints probably will get the No. 1 pick if the Texans win, but still … it's the Reggie Bush Bowl! Before the Niners were eliminated, one of my readers suggested that Bush should be hanging in a cage about 40 feet above the field during the entire game, kinda like when the WWE has a ladder match for a title and the championship belt hangs over the ring. I loved that idea. But since the Niners screwed everything up by shocking the Rams last week, we need to come up with another hook.

So here's my idea …

I assume that Bush would rather play for the Texans than the Saints, given that the Saints' franchise is such a mess right now thanks to the heartless owner. So if Bush wants to play for the Texans, here's what he should do: Sneak into the Niners' locker room before Sunday's game, pull a Lt. Frank Drebin and knock Frank Gore unconscious, then tie Gore up in the trainer's room, put on Gore's helmet and uniform and subsequently rush for about 300 yards against the Texans. The best part would be the stunned look on Dom Capers' face as Bush/Gore kept breaking 40-yard runs. Oh, wait, Capers always looks like that. But this would be cool. You have to admit."